The Reichenbach Fall in Quicktime
by SunnyRea
Summary: The third episode of series 2 reviewed with absolute crack and humor!  Check out my profile for the rest of series 2 and series 1. Enjoy!


**John:** …

**Fans:** OH FUCKING SHIT NO!

**Therapist:** Soooo, I'm back that must mean bad things.

**John:** No, I go to a therapist when I'm happy. I'm one of those people.

**Therapist:** And it's raining. We like symbolism.

**John:** I get choked up... a lot. Woe to the Watson.

**Therapist:** Yeah and I'm going to make you say it.

**John:** Are you a sadist?

**Therapist:** SAY IT, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

**John:** MAI BOYFRIEND IS DEAD!

**Therapist:** Boyfriend?

**John:** I said it. *sniff*

**Fans:** *WAAAAAAAAAAAIL*

-Oh credits, you're like the safe haven of this episode-

**Book Fans:** Hey look, the episode title is on a painting of a waterfall. HA!

**Everyone:** We like to give you presents when you solve things!

**Lestrade:** My present is the best!

**Sherlock:** Oh no you didn't.

**John:** YES. HAT!

**Sally and** **Anderson:** Revenge, complete.

**Sherlock:** Slow painful deaths for all of you!

**John:** Aww, the tabloids gave you a nickname.

**Sherlock:** Yours matches.

**John:** "Exceedingly gay and adorable companion of Sherlock Holmes?"

**Sherlock:** I HATE THIS HAT.

**John:** I wouldn't say 'exceedingly…'

**Sherlock:** There are flaps and weird brims and this is NOT Victorian England. Who would wear this!

**John:** 'Slightly' perhaps or 'Occasionally.'

**Sherlock:** Frisbee death hat. I will find a way to make this a weapon.

**John:** Let me add in this little bit of foreshadowing about the betrayal of the press.

**Sherlock:** Psh. Don't give a shit.

-Mean while at this London landmark!-

**Jim:** Hi. I wear baseball caps. Look how innocent I am!

**Sign:** hmmm I wonder if looking at this crown jewel sign means - oh come one, DUH, its fucking Jim.

**John:** Look I showered.

**Fans:** Oh, we see that.

**Sherlock:** I never stop experimenting.

**John:** And hanging people from the ceiling?

**Sherlock:** That's what they get for giving me a _deerstalker_.

**Jim:** Do de do, being a tourist.

**Crown Jewels:** Well, hello there sexy thing. We want to be on your head!

**Jim:** Arranging that!

**Guards:** Watching my screens.

**Bank of England:** I take my tea in a set.

**Pentonville Prison:** Prison wardens all like the death penalty!

**Jim:** All evil geniuses listen to classical music when they cause mayhem! Button pushing!

**Security alarm:** Blare blare screen blinky blare.

**Tourists:** Oh dear, we should leave…

**Crown Jewels:** Oh darling, alone at last.

**Sally:** Sir, a break in.

**Lestrade:** Not our division!

**Sally:** But it's really important.

**Lestrade:** Not our division!

**Sally:** Like crown jewels.

**Lestrade:** Not. Our. Division.

**Sally:** …they have coffee there?

**Lestrade:** OUR division!

**Jim:** Button number two!

**Bank of England:** Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat the fuck?

**Lestrade:** Why am I driving?

**Sally:** I should have called in sick!

**Jim:** GLASS GRAFITTI! And button number three. Don't you love my cute little graphics?

**Pentonville Prison:** Oh no, not us too. That is just not fair!

**Keep Calm Mug:** SUICIDE!

**Sally:** Um, three now?

**Lestrade:** Can we go back to 'not our division?'

**Jim:** See, I was chewing this gum for a reason.

**Crown Jewels:** Don't make me wait, sweetheart.

**Jim:** DANCE OF SMASHING!

**Cars:** AHHHH!

**Coppers:** AHHHH!

**Crown Jewels:** Was it good for you too?

**Jim:** King of crack returns!

-Back at Boyfriend Street-

**John:** Your fucking phone.

**Sherlock:** Laterz.

**John:** I said no to that.

**Sherlock:** Laaaaaaaaaaterz.

**John:** …how does Jim have your phone number?

**Sherlock:** Oh, I am so aroused!

-And we're back to the tower. I sense a lot of scene changes this episode-

**Jim:** I totally got caught because I didn't plan properly, yep, error. Didn't mean for this at all.

**Lestrade:** So, should we start writing your name with the smiley face in the O now?

**Sherlock:** Suspicious...

-NEWSPAPER MONTAGE-

**Fans:** This song is fucking sweet!

**Sherlock &** **John:** Time to dress up.

**Press:** Picture, pictures, we are very prominent in this episode!

**John:** Don't be an ass.

**Sherlock:** I totally won't.

**Jim:** Creepin on your copper.

**Girl Cop:** What is with the gum this episode anyhow? Ew.

**Sherlock:** I should not have walked into this bath room.

**Kitty:** Do you like my outfit?

**Sherlock:** Can I get one of those pins?

**Kitty:** Seriously, I'm a big big fan.

**Sherlock:** Also known as press?

**Kitty:** Not IT?

**Sherlock:** Desk line, ink smudge, and pocket recorder.

**Kitty:** Can we go back to the 'my bedroom's just a taxi ride away' type?

**Sherlock:** No.

**Kitty:** So, you are shagging John?

**Sherlock:** Duh.

**Kitty:** Well? I could be a bit of help. I am a ginger after all, theme of this series.

**Sherlock:** Hungry journalist still looking for her big break? Denied!

**Kitty:** You think I'm only going to be in this scene? Just you wait!

**Lawyer:** So, tell us about Jim.

**Sherlock:** He is one crafty ass bitch.

**Lawyer:** Um… could you not be rude?

**Sherlock:** Could you not suck at your job?

**Judge:** I am edging toward dislike.

**Lawyer:** So, you're saying Jim is like a serious criminal?

**Sherlock:** Uh yeah, I'm using a spider metaphor and everything!

**Judge:** Well, maybe the jury doesn't like metaphors.

**Sherlock:** Well, maybe the jury needs to clean the crumbs off their clothes and stop banging each other.

**Judge:** Really? Really. We're in court! I can put you in jail.

**Sherlock:** Well, maybe I like jail!

-In jail…-

**Jim:** NEIGHBORS! 3

**Cinematography:** You thought Belgravia was cool? Look at this shot!

**John:** I am going to run out of money bailing you out one day, I can see it.

**Sherlock:** Not if I'm dead.

**John:** Like you'd ever die.

-We're only 18 minutes in and the scene changes are already making me dizzy-

**John:** You're doing the face.

**Sherlock:** What face?

**John:** The 'I am really hot and bothered, let's go shag face.'

**Sherlock:** … I don't think that's the face I'm making.

**John:** I always see that face.

**Sherlock:** Yeah well, Jim's up to an evil plan!

**John:** Obviously.

**Sherlock:** Shag now?

-Oooooo scenery of pretty sky!-

**Jim!Lawyer:** Um… just keeping the seat warm, nothing to say.

**John:** Da fuck?

**Fans:** OH MY GOD, IT'S THE KNIT TIE! …*cough*

**Jim:** Whoops, guess I forgot court room procedure? 3 Hi John.

**Sherlock:** I talk for judges.

**Judge:** So? Guilty?

**Jury:** Um… we're going to go with not guilty here.

**Sherlock:** TEA TIME.

**Jim:** I break in to houses!

**Sherlock:** Me too! I mean… should have knocked.

**Jim:** Want to hear a story about Bach?

**Sherlock:** Aw! You do like my playing!

**Jim:** I like one of your apples.

**Sherlock:** And tea.

**Jim:** And you're on the side of the angels! …I like wing fics.

**Sherlock:** So? Threatened the jury?

**Jim:** Duh.

**Sherlock:** Obvious.

**Jim:** And now we have The Final Problem.

Book **Fans:** AHHHH!

**Sherlock:** You mean the real plot of the episode?

**Jim:** Psh, this episode doesn't have a plot!

**Camera:** Let me focus in on Jim's tapping fingers. It's not a clue or anything I just like his manicured nails.

**Jim:** So, going say 'I don't know?'

**Sherlock:** I don't know!

**Jim:** Are you copying me?

**Sherlock:** Am I copying you?

**Jim:** I love John.

**Sherlock:** SAY THAT AGAIN, BITCH!

**Jim:** So? Deduce for my baby.

**Sherlock:** The key.

**Jim:** Sounds like a horror movie.

**Sherlock:** With you opening doors, hell yes.

**Jim:** This apple is delicious.

**Sherlock:** You know the camera is doing this thing where it films you head on and me from above to show that you have the advantage in this situation. Damn it.

**Jim:** Wait till you see me in a crown.

**Sherlock:** It's my desktop wall paper.

**Jim:** Anyhow, let me allude to 'falling' here, you know, just in case you jump off a building or something later.

**Sherlock:** As if.

**Jim:** I'm saying FALL again.

**Sherlock:** You're just jealous you don't have a John.

**Jim:** Adorable 3

**Sherlock:** Why don't you take your scary guy looks and fuck off out of my flat.

**Jim:** Hmm kay, but I O U! Made you some apple art work.

**Sherlock:** Sweet.

-More newspaper montage! We love montages!-

**John:** I need money!

**Mycroft!text:** I need to you come here!.

-And over at The Diogenes Club-

**Book Fans:** AHHHHHHH IT JUST KEEPS COMING!

**John:** So….?

**Everyone:** Did he just…?

**John:** Mycroft Holmes?

**Everyone:** …

**John:** You know, annoying guy, kinda gay, umbrella, cake?

**Old Guy:** *PANIC*

**John:** Don't make me go Watson on you.

**Butlers:** *carry you out*

**Mycroft:** Oh sorry, did I not mention the no talking rule?

**John:** Asshole.

**Mycroft:** So, this newspaper is doing a piece on Sherlock.

**John:** Jen from IT?

**Mycroft:** It is in no way my fault what so ever. At all.

**John:** One of these days you will phone me about these things instead of kidnapping me.

**Mycroft:** Also all these hit men have moved in near your flat.

**John:** Can I hire one to kill you?

**Mycroft:** JUST TRYING TO HELP!

**John:** When Sherlock and I get married, you're not invited to the wedding.

**Mycroft:** Whatever. *sniffle*

-Back at Baggins Street-

**John:** OH MY GOD MY HOGWARTS LETTER!

**Letter:** JK, dirt.

**John:** *sniffle*

**Lestrade:** Hey.

**Sherlock:** KIDNAPPING! WHEE!

**Sally:** I cannot wait until my big 'Sherlock is to blame' scene!

**Video **camera: buzz buzz

-Over in Surrey-

**Sniffle lady:** I have a blanket

**Sherlock:** HARASSMENT!

**John:** I should just keep him locked up at home.

**Sherlock:** Time to investigate some rooms!

**Book:** Hey, John, maybe you should pay attention about matching paper and seals! HINT HINT.

**John:** Whatever. Busy.

**Sherlock:** Room #2.

**Sally:** Come on, hurry up, I want my moment of evilness!

**Sherlock:** Kid reads spy books?

**John:** Leave us a clue?

**Anderson:** I get to play!

**Sherlock:** Good job Anderson, we found the 'help us' message all because of you!

**Anderson:** Oh my god, really? Does that mean you like me now!

**Sherlock:** Hell no.

**Anderson:** Yeah, well, then I'm siding with Sally!

**Sherlock:** And I'll probably punch you. Look foot prints and I am taking samples.

**John:** *pst* No smiling.

**Sherlock:** TO BARTS.

**Molly:** Oh god, please, not again. Can't I just go home to my cat?

**Sherlock:** I have crisps. We have to solve this Jim case!

**Molly:** Jim wasn't my boyfriend because I break up with whinny bitches.

**Feminists:** OH SNAP!

**Sherlock:** I said crisps.

**Molly:** Fuck my life.

**Sherlock:** Deducing with my microscope!

**Molly:** I get to deduce too!

**Sherlock:** La de da, I figure out stuff and it writes itself in the air. I'm like a powerpoint display!

**Molly:** So… here's a kind of sad story about my dead dad.

**Sherlock:** No fuck is given!

**Molly:** You look sad.

**Fans:** GASP.

**Molly:** When you think he can't see you.

**Fans:** DOUBLE GASP.

**Sherlock:** …you can see me.

**Molly:** I don't count.

**Fans:** OH MY GOD, WHAT IS FEELING!

**Molly:** Surprise, I have insight you don't.

**Sherlock:** Looking at you in a new light.

**Molly:** So, if you need help which I know you don't then I'm here even though I know you don't have anything you need from me and yeah, bye. *run away*

**Sherlock:** Emotions are difficult…

**Book:** JOOOOOHN

**John:** Oh, now I see you!

**Sherlock:** Matching Howarts tease!

**John:** Are we really using fairy tales as a clue?

**Sherlock:** CANDY, TO ARMS!

**Kids:** We're kind of gross how we're eating this.

**Lestrade:** Um… I got a fax?

**Sherlock:** Need to find a disused candy factory.

**Sally:** Sooooo cloooooose!

**Sherlock:** Check out my facial map with homeless photo catalog.

**Anderson:** I get eye rolls.

**Sherlock:** ADDLESTON, TO ARMS!

**John:** You used that one already.

**Sherlock:** ooooo poisoned candy wrappers, love it!

**John:** *face palm*

**Sally:** I win, found them!

**Kids:** How did we get so much chocolate on our faces…

**Sherlock:** Can I question her?

**Lestrade:** Can you not be crazy?

**Sherlock:** *un pops collar*

River Song**Little Girl: **OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT'S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

**Sherlock:** Cumberbitches start young!

**Lestrade:** This amuses me too much.

**Jim!paint:** I just like to deface glass!

**Sally:** That was greeeeeeeeeeeat, hint hint, IT WAS SO YOU!

**John:** Home then?

**Sherlock:** Get your own taxi, I'm pouty!

**John:** Little bitch.

**Sally:** Seeds of disbelief growing into plants!

**Lestrade:** For serious?

**Jim!video:** Hi honey.

**Sherlock:** Wtf?

**Sally:** Sooooo I mean, since I like to ignore all the other evidence about how Sherlock is totally for real, let's focus on this foot print of 'how the fuck?'

**Lestrade:** Naaaw, come on.

**Jim!Video:** Uh oh, you've been a 'boast a lot' asshole just one too many times and maybe I also made this a little too easy for you to be framed as the bad guy.

**Sherlock:** Um…. Not liking this story.

**Sally:** I'm a disbelieving knight!

**Anderson:** Me too (which is a real surprise, I should be the jester or something).

**Lestrade:** Yeah, well, I'm fucking king.

**Jim!Video:** FINAL PROBLEM, HA HA!

**Sherlock:** Stop saying the story title!

**Jim:** NO CHARGE!

**Sherlock:** Why do you get all the fun lines!

**Hit man:** *saved you*

**Sherlock:** Oh gee, thanks.

**Hit man:** *shot dead*

**John:** You okay, baby?

**Sherlock:** Hit man, wtf?

**John:** Mycroft was all 'watch out for Sherlock, there's hit men' drama drama, you know.

**Sherlock:** I have important things!

**Mrs. Hudson:** Check out my fashionable night gown.

**Sherlock:** AH HA CAMERA.

**Lestrade:** So… Sally had her big scene…

**Sherlock:** Bitch please.

**Lestrade:** 'Oh course, Greg, I'll play nice and come in for questioning,' you mean?

**Sherlock:** NOPE.

**John:** I am getting this slow creeping foreboding feeling coming on.

**Sherlock:** I don't care what they think.

**John:** I CARE.

**Sherlock:** Oh, sweetheart.

**John:** Not a fraud.

**Sherlock:** This is going to be really sad later when I tell you I am.

**John:** You'd have to be a real actor to be such a fucking dick.

(**Benedict:** Thank you, thank you. *bows*)

**Sherlock:** Is that John Watson for 'I love you?'

**Sally &** **Anderson:** GOING OVER YOUR HEAD.

**Superintendent:** Sherlock Holmes, say fucking what?

**Lestrade:** Um…

**Superintendent:** Arrest the wanker!

**Lestrade:** …Calling John.

**John:** And this is why I learned his first name.

**Sherlock:** *pout*

**Mrs. Hudson:** You got another Hogwarts package.

**Sherlock:** I am not a ginger bread man, lame.

**Sirens**: Heeeeeeeeeeeey baby hey!

**Mrs. Hudson &** **John:** Oh hell no, not our boy!

**Sherlock:** *noble scarf and jacket donning*

**Lestrade:** I am arresting you! …sorry.

**Sherlock:** It's cool. I like handcuffs.

**Sally:** Told you so, nay nay nay nay naaaaaaaay!

**Superintendent:** So, this guy is clearly a freak weirdo loser.

**John:** PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE!

**Sherlock:** I knew you liked hand cuffs too.

**John:** Couldn't let down the fan girls.

**Sherlock:** Daring escape?

**John:** Let's do this.

**Sherlock:** *SCREECHY DISTRACTION*

**Coppers:** Ow.

**Sherlock:** I've got a gun!

**John:** And a… hostage? Seriously? Like any one of them would really believe me as a hostage since I'm the only friend you have.

**Sherlock:** And now we run!

**Lestrade:** I should have been a fireman.

**Sherlock:** Take my hand!

**John:** Now people will definitely talk.

**Fans:** John, we've been talking since you walked into the lab in 'A Study in Pink.'

**Sherlock:** Fence!

**John:** No fence!

**Sherlock:** Stop being short then.

**John:** Kiss me and I will.

**Sherlock:** There must be a fic like this.

**Hit man:** *creeps*

**Sherlock:** Run in front of a bus!

**Hit man:** Save you!

**Sherlock:** What you want?

**Hit man:** The key code, duh, seriously how could you not have figured that out some how?

**Sherlock:** Um…

**Hit man:** *also shot dead*

**Sherlock:** We should probably find that key code.

**John:** Or we could go hang out with Kitty and find out who Richard Brook is.

**Kitty:** Creepers.

**Fans:** All my dreams.

**John:** Yeah, why were we sitting in the pitch black anyway? Couldn't have had one light on? It's not like she wasn't going to find us.

**Sherlock:** Who's Richard Brook?

**Kitty:** It's totally not Moriarty.

**Jim:** Hi honey, I'm home!

**Sherlock:** WHAT. THE. FUCK.

**Jim!Richard:** Oh my god, look how scared I am. I am so authentic!

**John:** OH HELL NO!

**Kitty:** Psh, this is Richard, Moriarty is fake!

**John:** Uh, no!

**Kitty:** Richard is an actor Sherlock hired to be his arch nemesis, GOT MY BIG BREAK STORY!

**Jim!Richard:** …sorry about the bomb thing John.

**Sherlock:** I am so fucked.

**John:** I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!

**Kitty:** No really, I have proof that totally couldn't have been faked or anything!

**Jim!Richard:** I'm a children's TV actor, like that knight story you got in your cab, Sherlock, remember that?

**Sherlock:** I am looking rather quietly fierce and enraged right now. It's awesome acting, it should be my turn for a BAFTA.

**John:** Articles and a resume…

**Jim!Richard:** Don't forget the DVDs! So annoying to make those, let me tell you, but Sherlock I like beating you that much!

**Sherlock:** Gonna kick you ass!

**Jim!Richard:** Oh, look how convincing I am running in fear!

**Sherlock:** The tension is mounting.

**Kitty:** Yeah, well, I don't like you anymore.

**John:** _The IT Crowd_ sucks, bitch!

**Sherlock:** So, Jim is trying to turn this all around, make everyone believe I'm a fake – putting a big lie with small truths – and all he has to do to really win is… oh shit I just figured out the finale.

**John:** It's not you dying or anything like that, is it?

**Sherlock:** Um. I have go do some shit alone so… talk to you later!

-Over at Casa de Molly, I mean Barts-

**Sherlock:** Hi. You are my friend, btw, Mols.

**Molly:** omg nickname.

**Sherlock:** I'm not okay.

**Fans:** *sniffle*

**Molly:** Finally important! This is my shinning episode!

**Sherlock:** Want to help me prepare a fake suicide so that I can beat Jim Moriarty and protect John Watson?

**Molly:** IN.

-Meanwhile in Pounce town-

**Mycroft:** Did you break into my office?

**John:** You are a really bad brother.

**Mycroft:** It so was not my fault.

**John:** You so are going to sibling hell.

**Mycroft:** I'm the British government! You think we couldn't catch Jim? Hell yes we could!

**John:** Catch him and…?

**Mycroft:** We offered him cake for weeks.

**John:** Cake?

**Mycroft:** And by 'cake' I mean torture.

**John:** Yeah, you don't share cake.

**Mycroft:** And by torture I mean a few slaps.

**John:** Call me next time, I can handle that.

**Mycroft:** Anyhow, he wanted to talk about Sherlock; I wanted to talk about world crime to protect the crown. Quid pro quo…

**John:** You. Bitch.

**Mycroft:** Uh… sorry?

**John:** LEAVING.

-Sceeeeeeeeeene change to Barts and oh god the tension is HIGH-

**Sherlock:** I'm playing with a ball.

**John:** I am not going to tell you about your brother's betrayal because you probably already know plus I'm all protective and shit.

**Sherlock:** We need the key code.

**John:** Um… should I do something random that give you an idea?

**Sherlock:** Have at it.

**John:** Just drumming my fingers.

**Sherlock:** Binary is so cool!

**Sherlock!text:** Meet me on the roof, Jimmy, presents! 3

**Ball:** Wow, we've focused on me three times now, I wonder if fan speculation is going to follow about pulse slowing techniques involving griping a ball in one hand. You know, in case anyone was thinking about faking a suicide.

**John:** Wait what?

*DISTRACTION PHONE CALL*

**John:** Omg, Mrs. Hudson's been shot!

**Sherlock:** Whatever.

**John:** Um, hospital?

**Sherlock:** I said, whatever!

**John:** Fine, stay alone then!

**Sherlock:** Alone protects me.

**John:** Friends protect people!

**Fans:** Oh my goooooood! Already sobbing!

Jim!Text: Umm… don't stand me up!

-AND WE'RE ON THE ROOF! With the bee gees…-

**Jim:** Sooooo I'm kind of depressed cause you were so much fun and now you're totally not since I've won. So lonely, wah wah.

**Sherlock:** Richard Brook equals Reichenbach.

**Jim:** Well, I thought it was funny!

**Sherlock:** And I know your code so I can fix everything up again!

**Jim:** Really? Really. You think it's real? Is this a James Bond movie?

**Sherlock:** Uh… but criminal master mind break ins?

**Jim:** You are ruining my life right now. I just had some little helpers, like elves.

**Sherlock:** So… I'm wrong?

**Jim:** And that's what you get for needing high drama.

**Sherlock:** So, why are we on this roof?

**Jim:** How many times do I have to say 'Final Problem' and 'Fall' before you clue in?

**Sherlock:** Oh, yeah, suicide

**Jim:** 1 point Sherlock, 5 Billion points Jim.

**John:** OH MY GOD, MRS HUDSON DON'T DIE.

**Mrs. Hudson:** Huh?

**John:** …. Oh shit, diversion!

**Jim:** Gonna kill yourself now?

**Sherlock:** I'm not emo like you!

**Jim:** Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? I asked nicely.

**Sherlock:** I could always throw you off the roof because that would totally solve things!

**Jim:** But I told all these hit men to kill your friends if you don't kill yourself so it would probably be a good idea if you do.

**Sherlock:** John?

**Jim:** Obviously.

**Sherlock:** Mrs. Hudson.

**Jim:** Oh yeah.

**Sherlock:** Lestrade?

**Lestrade:** HE THINKS I'M A FRIEND! *squeal*

**Jim:** HELL YEAH.

**Sherlock:** Molly?

**Jim:** What?

**Sherlock:** What?

**Jim:** So, jump or they die. Mwa ha ha, I'm so evil!

**Sherlock:** Stepping up on the ledge.

**Jim:** Let me get my camera!

**Sherlock:** *giggle*

**Jim:** Um. People about to commit suicide usually don't laugh.

**Sherlock:** If I've got you I can get you to call off the hit men!

**Jim:** No, you can't, you're angel boy.

**Sherlock:** Oh, really? See any wings?

**Jim:** I use ordinary as an insult.

**Sherlock:** And I am just like you. So, I. Will. Fuck. You. Up.

*DRAMATIC MUSIC MOMENT SO WE KNOW HE'S NOT KIDDING*

**Jim:** SWEET. LOVE IT. I kind of want to hug you!

**Sherlock:** Shake hands instead, kay?

**Jim:** SHOOTING MYSELF, HA HA, NEVER STOP THE CRAZY!

**Sherlock:** Holy mother fuck!

**Jim:** *is so dead*

**Hit man:** In place to kill the lucky three!

**Sherlock:** And I'm back on the ledge.

**John:** ARRIVED! …just in time for immense woe.

**Sherlock:** *calling*

**John:** Hey! Everything is cool now, right? Not going to die or anything right?

**Sherlock:** Could you walk back so that small building is in your way blocking your view of the street just below my building?

**John:** No problem.

**Sherlock:** By the way, I'm on the roof.

**John:** Oh. So here's where that foreboding leads.

**Sherlock:** I'm a fake.

**John:** No.

**Sherlock:** I made up Moriarty.

**John:** Nope.

**Sherlock:** It's all true, I made it up, I'm a fake.

**John:** Still not believing you.

**Sherlock:** No one could be that clever.

**John:** You could.

**Sherlock:** *SIGNIFICANT TEAR*

**Fans:** *MANY MORE TEARS*

**John:** COMING TO GET YOU.

**Sherlock:** Uh. I said no moving from your specific spot of line of sight, thank you!

**John:** Why you make me sad?

**Sherlock:** Cause the phone call is my note.

**John:** Love note?

**Sherlock:** I'm on a roof...

**John:** I SAID LOVE NOTE!

**Sherlock:** …or not.

**John:** Can we rewrite this ending? It just be a happy Jim is dead sex scene instead? Lots of gay baker street boy sex?

**Moffat and Gatiss:** Hell no.

**Sherlock:** So, Kay bai.

**John:** No kay bai.

**Sherlock:** _Kay bai…_

**John:** NO kay bai!

**Sherlock:** KAY BAI. *mobile drop*

**John:** I SAID NO KAY BAI!

**Sherlock:** Whatever, jumping. *sniffle*

**Fans:** OH GOD.

~Jump!~

**John:** AHHHH!

**Fans:** **AHHHHHHHHHHH!**

**John:** Omg! Omg! Must rush over to boyfriend!

**Biker:** This is so totally an accident… SMACK!

**John:** Ow ow, not good timing, ow…

**Fans:** …did that truck just leave? Suspicious!

**Bystanders:** Ooo this is going up on twitter!

**John:** PLEASE LET ME THROUGH, I'M HIS FRIEND!

**Fans:** *ugly sobbing*

**Sherlock:** *looks all dead*

**John:** …I am the saddest person in the whole world.

**Sherlock:** It's going to be a bitch to get all this fake blood out of my hair…

**John:** *Busy winning BAFTAs with facial expressions.*

**Hit Men:** Damn, and I was looking forward to some murder today. Bye now.

-And now to the sad people-

**Mycroft:** *in need of cake*

**John:** *sitting next to a very empty chair*

**Fans:** I'M CRYING TOO MUCH TO SEE THE SCREEN!

**Therapist:** Sooooo, what did you want to tell him? Maybe something like 'you were the best shag ever' or 'I love you more than anyone in the whole wide world?'

**John:** Uh no.

**Therapist:** Come on, I won't gossip!

**John:** Noooooooo creeper.

-Time for grave visit with a quiet variation on theme music playing-

**Mrs. Hudson:** He was such a brat.

**John:** Yeah.

**Mrs. Hudson:** Such a stupid, ruddy, arsehole brat! *SNIFF*

**John:** Yeah, chill, bye now. Private boyfriend time.

**Mrs. Hudson:** You go do your awesome speech.

~alone for amazing moving ending scene~

**John:** You were the best man I have ever known. I really needed you because I was all crippled and alone. _Itotallylovedyou._ And when you turn out to be alive in 3 years I am going to punch you in the fucking face then snog the shit out of you. Just so you know. *sniff*

**Grave stone:** Oh come on, I can't reflect this sorrow; it's like having to be the building Sherlock jumped from.

**John:** SOLDIERING ON DRAMATIC LY!

**Sherlock:** *creeps* PS – totally alive…

-THE END-

**Fans:** I HATE EVERYTHING. I HATE THE WORLD. I HATE THIS EPISODE. ….I love it. *SOBS*


End file.
